and My Heart Sings

if I could sit down and sum up these past weeks, that would be grand. but no, it may just have to be something that stays on my heart, how my soul was romanced by God and is still today. He is showing me all he can do as if he is stretching out his arms open-wide whispering

“love me”

and God, I will say this to you, “I love you, you have absolutely captivated my heart. and I rush headlong into this embrace. just to feel your loving arms wrap around me. Even when at the times when I lack, which is every second of the day. Father you fill me up. You fill me up to pour out onto others, making a person as inadequate and lacking as myself, a vassal for you to bless the souls of your children you love.”

When we get to be that love in other people’s lives….oh snap, it is beautiful. When I feel God Holding my heart out to others, raw, open. I’m placed in a fearful awe.

Our hearts were broken there. we can’t deny that. of course though, that is why it is so beautiful, we can feel his hope in such darkness, we are made alive in it.

In the darkness, the Light shines even brighter.

I’m humbled by how powerful God is, we say it over and over in our songs but when God is proved strong we are blindsided by him. He takes every situation and whispers “this is for my glory” he does not shout it out, he does not need to. The universe melts in his presence. and at his very will, existence is made.

this is who loves us, and I’m in love

-jordan

Oriented Disorientation

here is the point where I am at

desiring God

100% I know that is what I want, an insatiable desire to know God, to love, to adore him. Since I have arrived I have seen certain people striving after God in a way so beautiful, and awe-inspiring it is just amazing. This winsome faith. I have talked about this before, but when I see a faith so awesome its shaking. I feel like my eyes are opened and I see God in a new light, illuminated by this reverence and awe for God.

“Papa God”….. say that to your self.

pray it.

I get choked up every time I think of that statement.

Awe, desire, reverence, a sincere longing, it is so beautiful. It paints this picture of us like children, sitting at his feet, unable and vulnerable. He looks down with this tender affection that lifts us up a holds us in his love. His very presence  affirms us. Every weak point we have, every spot where we fall and stumble, it is another moment at which he can be glorified. God with Love that is overwhelming, so sweet.

And I want that, no, I already feel that, only a small spark. but I want it to permeate. to my very core flowing out of every pore. I am weakness. I don’t want myself, my own desires.

“bleed me out Lord, stretch me, let me yearn for you! my insatiable hunger and thirst”

Papa God, hold me

I Dreamt

I had a dream last night, I cant really piece it together in its entirety. In it I was talking to someone, not certain whom, he was older than me, wearing a suit. He showed me something, pointed me in a direction, told me to continue and told me everything was and is going to be alright.

He told me not to worry

Zachariah 10:1

Ask the Lord for rain in the springtime; it is the Lord who makes the storm clouds. He gives showers of rain to men and plants of the field to everyone

For These Moments

It’s closing in, like a slow looming monster, looking at me, I am staring it straight in the eyes. I cant blink, if I do, something might happen. My hands are shaking. My breath begins to quicken. Inside things are twisting but cant seem to work there way out.

Finally I allow my eyes to close, I squeeze them shut for a moment I open them then, then it is gone, falling sliding down till it stops and it’s existence is remembered only by the reason it existed

…….

while writing this I pulled another meaning from the last sentence.

…….

reread it

…….

is that not true though for every single one of our lives? every single existence is remembered  by the reason it existed. if we exist simply for self that is what we leave behind. a looming stench of our own arrogance. but if we live for something other than us, we leave behind something so much more beautiful

The Cure For Pain

I picked up Blue like Jazz the other day, this acclaimed book in the “Christian” realm that I have always been skeptical of, possibly because of its popularity. but what I read on that one page in the front of the book shook me, opened my eyes to so much about myself, to my relationship with Christ, to relationships I have had with others including those in my family.

Donald Miller starts out his book with an explanation as to why he never really cared for jazz music until he saw someone loved it, with one-hundred percent of his being, with everything he had within him. He described the site as something wonderful, captivating, beautiful.

as I sat down the book and realized how greatly this mirrors my life I was almost brought to tears. The realization that I had never cared about Christianity (though I called myself one), the relationship was not something real or tangible, I could not see the effects of this “life.” I could not understand the beauty of the relationship until I saw it lived out before me. but. when I did see it lived out before me, with a passion and zeal that I cant convey, I wanted it. I knew it was a part of me that was missing.

what if thats what it is?

can we only see the beauty and the meaning when it is exemplified to us? Showed through a life lived out completely in devotion and dedication.

I wrote this shortly after this kind of life was shown to me

The Greatest thing to discover in this life, is a life that through it’s story tells the tale of a person that deep down in his utmost being he wants to live a fully uninterrupted life of devotion to the Lord, even greater is to discover, someday, that the Life is yours.
-me(age 14)